Go to http://www.overcometoobecome.com to see all of the Video Podcasts and the other podcasts under the "Overcome 2 Become" YouTube Channel
Follow M at @overcometoobecome and T at @tress_city on Instagram
Email us at overcometoobecome@gmail.com for thoughts, comments and show suggestions. Come join the discussion
Go to http://www.overcometoobecome.com to see all of the Video Podcasts and the other podcasts under the "Overcome 2 Become" YouTube Channel
Follow M at @overcometoobecome and T at @tress_city on Instagram
Email us at overcometoobecome@gmail.com for thoughts, comments and show suggestions. Come join the discussion
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to On the Mic with the M.
T:and T
M:Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we're back and you know so many things that's going on today in the world of craziness, real life, that you know. Tina and I was just talking before the podcast about people don't know how to date or are we dating incorrectly. So I had to do a little research before this discussion and find out what in the hell are people not doing they should be doing before you start to date somebody, or if you're in the middle of dating someone. There are five and people take your pen out. I want you to write this down, Five red flag things that you should pay attention to, because anyone of these five and these are top five. So then I, like you, know this is one of whatever. No, these are top five things that you need to check with your relationship right now.
M:If you're looking at this, take out a piece of paper, write these five things down and then start checking off, see if you got this problem. Now, the first one, the number one, is lack of respect. That's, the number one is lack of respect, that's number one.
M:Yep, lack of respect is the number one red flag when it comes to relationships. Number two is controlling behaviors. Remember that. First one, lack of respect. Second one controlling behaviors. The third one is bad communication, bad miscommunication or no communication at all. That's the third one. Fourth one, not surprising lack of trust. Yeah, that's number that should be number one, but it's in the top five, so it's all good.
T:You're up right.
M:Yeah, it's in on that list. And the last one is unresolved issues and conflicts that turn bigger than what they should be, which means you can't talk to each other. Whenever you start talking to each other, it ends up in a fight, an argument, someone pissed off, someone leaves, someone does something, but you never, ever, finish or solve the problem in which you originally had. It just lingers out there and festers and then it blows up and you're constantly arguing. So those are five red flags that you should look at before you look at getting into a relationship with that person. Or if you're currently in a relationship with that person, make sure you go in that list to see if there are any of that. So does that surprise you? To those top five are the issues, the big red flags.
T:No, I especially like the last one because I think that's one of the biggest ones that we might can forget about, because it's all the issues that we try to forget about but they come out later on and it's like well, I can't get this relationship to move forward, or why he doesn't want to marry me, or all those big things you try to conquer in a relationship together and you try to figure out why you can't get there. It's probably one of those things you haven't resolved Is insecure, or she stopped trying to have sex with you the way you liked it. That's probably one of those unresolved issues you got, and it's probably got nothing to do with sex, but because you didn't resolve that issue from a little while ago, she's still in her feelings. He's still in his feelings yeah, you got to be, because we don't talk.
M:nowadays. No one teaches us how to really communicate our feelings. If you think about it when you grow up, they tell you shut the hell up. If you start crying too much, shut up. If you complain, be quiet. So you always never really express yourself because your parents, wherever your guardians are, never allow you to express yourself. So you always kept it inwardly and, oddly enough, though T a lot of people never grow up from that point. They actually just care that childlike behavior into relationships, into adulthood, because they never change how they react to different things. That's what they did when they were little. It served its purpose. So rather than say I should do better because I'm an adult now, I should learn how to handle this differently. They do what they're more comfortable in doing. They've done all their lives. I'm going to continue to do this. But that doesn't work when you get into relationships.
T:Unless you've been in therapy, then the expectation is different. No, straight up, men who have gone through therapy, women who have gone through therapy, understand and how to communicate and stuff like that. The emotional maturity is just a little bit higher and so now your standard is higher. So it's like no, you don't know how to communicate, you don't know how to communicate and you've been the worst, so clearly you didn't even try to go through counseling Now. You didn't do one session, you didn't even care. Like you said, you're not even trying to grow.
M:And that point to people. Ladies, gentlemen, therapy is a good thing. Prayer, don't get me wrong. You can pray and do your religious stuff, all that. But please go talk to somebody who has done studies and with the school and can help you work through this, because if you try to work through it yourself, you'll be a bird in a cage going around and around and you'll never get out of your head because you're in your own mind. So please talk to a professional to lay down and listen, and they're not going to tell nobody. So they're not going to be on YouTube or talk to this person. They, no, they're not going to do any of that. So, and they will help you get through it.
M:Because by getting through in your head, by clearing what's in your head out, it will actually have you actually notice those five things that we talked about earlier. It will be. Obviously it picks up on you quickly because you're like, oh, you'll be aware of it, but you have to take the opportunity and do the work to become a better person, to become a better human being. So I just want to say that. So would you mention therapy, tea, and you know a lot of people, you know growing up, you're going to see somebody. You crazy. No, no, we're not crazy, because we're going to go see a therapist.
T:It was such a weird stigma on it. I don't think that stigma is as strong or even exist like how it used to go to therapy. Yes, please do, please go to it. If you've never been, you know, I guess you can pop the chair. You at some point like, come on, come on, let's be real here.
M:Grow up, yes, grow the hello, so yeah, so number one, like lack of respect. Oh my God, that's so obvious but yet so foreign to a lot of people that they don't understand what that means. We've seen it. We've seen it. I've seen it in relationships of people who are married. I'm like God damn he got no respect for her. I mean, just shut her down.
T:No, I think what happens with this first one is that it's an inconsistency in the respect right, Because I've offended you, I've upset you, you know I did something to you. Now you're going to get disrespectful right. Yes that's true, or because you wanted to deceive me, to get this from me. You know, you felt like it was okay to move a certain type of way. So now I'm feeling disrespected because you wanted what you wanted and you would do anything you decided to do to get it.
M:That is very true. That's just something you know. Come on T, you know Dan. Well, you think of it as it's not. He's not control. You know he does respect me but again, if he doesn't a consistent basis, you probably say, hey, we have a conversation because I can't have you. What you just say is kind of slick at your mouth.
T:So that's like that blatant respect in the beginning, right? Like how respectful is the girl's tongue, right? You know you're going to accept what you're going to accept, right, and you lay down that standard in the beginning. I'm hoping, right, because that would be weird that you know, three years later, the girl who curses like a sailor, all of a sudden you feel disrespected now. Well, you know, that's just how she's been talking, like you should have been said mom, between you and I mean, you're not cussing, right, so you don't cuss at her. You have the expectation that she don't cuss to you. And you know, over the two, three months, that child getting to know each other, if she can respect that, then you go forward. If she can't respect that, then you know you lean back. That's how you know you can't. You can't take that and be like oh, I'm disrespected, but with with the, with the respect, though I personally feel like it doesn't start off with a disrespect, right.
T:It's tough with a love right and starts off with respect, because I don't think that anyone would entertain anyone else who's blatantly disrespectful, you know.
M:Oh no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't think so either. I mean, if somebody disrespects you early, that's done.
T:You'll be like.
T:You know what she cute in the face, but I'm a drop roll over here and I'm like I'm good, I'm like I'm not about to keep playing this game with her and for a woman like the blatant disrespect in the beginning would make you feel I don't want to say threatened, but you know uncomfortable. I'm not going to stick around for it. So I just feel like there's a point in the relationship, as we build the relationship up, that you start to lose, you know, a certain bit of respect for you know somebody and the way that you're trying to check it or the way that your check is being received, you know it's not being well received. And when you cannot check that you know bit of disrespect in the relationship. There's nothing changing there. That's the problem. That's the right respect right there. Right Like nah, something's here, something's faster.
T:You know like the most basic situation would be man cheats on girl, girl cheats on man. Right Now, parties are wounded and offended, y'all getting to an argument. She getting disrespectful out her mouth, he getting disrespectful out his mouth. Right, starting to lose respect for each other. Right, had that in the beginning, but as situations occurred, he didn't miss the car note here. You know house keep being dirty. You know our faces getting turned up at each other, we starting to lose respect for each other. This happens over some time. Like, don't just pop up out of nowhere, is what I'm trying to say.
M:I just can't see it happening it doesn't it, doesn't it, don't have, it's just so pop over night. It's just you overlooking and as guys will overlooking. If I feel you, I'm like, oh, you know, that's just her. You know I can deal with that Because again in our head, you know, guys, you know we're still looking at you. So we're like yeah.
M:I want to. You know I can't go through having touched. I have a sample, the uh, they haven't sampled the tea yet. So I have to take a few things and you know we accept it. But you know, the biggest problem that everyone has when it comes to this whole respect thing boundaries. You have to establish boundaries in the beginning, because if you're, if you just let it be all just wide open, then that person says, oh, I can pretty much do or say anything because she's cool or he or she is cool with it. But if you like to listen, I don't like a lot of custom, so you know you probably say listen, I don't know, that's my boundary. You know I don't come down every now and then but I ain't cool with it. So there's certain things that, as men and women, you have to tell each other and again you have to tell them. You can't sit around and fucking guess.
T:On it also, like you cannot. Like I'm saying let the girl be cussing. You got your two, three months in and you said that's not what you want. You said I don't want that. You let her know that two, three months in she can't control herself. But you still want to go forward. Yeah, that doesn't much sense. You just this is not what you wanted. But because something else. There's just a little bit sweet to the taste, you know we're being honest here, y'all we're being honest.
M:We're just saying you're not robots, so we understand. It's not like you're almost going to check this. Listen, he keeps cussing on. She keeps cussing. No, because you like it. As we always say, you touch that honey pot.
T:Yeah, I mean, you know there are some things that's going to make you overlook other things. All we're saying is that number one don't let the lack of respect be overlooked. It's too big of a thing. Like she forgot to pick your dry cleaners up on time and they closed for the weekend, so then you had to go out and buy a new outfit, so she messed up the parks for the weekend. You can overlook that. Okay, that was my bad type of thing. Okay, that's not just respect. Right, Pick up your own and dry cleaners anyway, right. But if you feel like upfront for two, three months, you're really trying to establish something. You put the boundaries out there. They're not being respected. You don't like how he talks to you.
T:You don't like how she talks towards you. You know the clothing items that each other chooses, you know, perhaps it's a little offensive. I mean, these things are intrinsically right, what we respect for. So, even if you feel like, you know, I just met this young lady, I'm coming to pick her up on a date and her outfit is just too revealing, right, like who respected. In that sense, move on. Right, it's okay. It's okay because only you can, you know, ensure that you feel respected and, you know, pursued of the relationship.
M:Absolutely, and that's a very, very true statement. And I guess a lot of guys, speaking from the guys one of you, you know, in their head they're probably, wow, she's showing a little bit too much, dissonant. But you probably say, well, she's trying to impress me because again we go back to the first stage. We want to impress each other with you know what we got. So physically we look good.
M:You're going to enhance those assets, okay, but if you do it, the man have a problem with that. You should say you know, I love the look If you tone it a little bit. You know, I want everybody to see it. You know, I'm glad you put your stuff out there like that for me, but can we moving forward? So then it's a little bit for me, and then you'll kind of see where her head is at, because she's that's just me, me, then that's up to you. So, okay, this is, am I going to accept this? And it is moving forward because I already told her. So then at that point you got to say how much are you going to take it? Everybody has to do that, men and women. They got to say how much am I going to take before I bail out. Yeah, I want to keep thinking oh, it's going to get better, it's going to change.
T:And you can think what you want to think. But most of us say how much before I bail out? But most of us bail out before we get to that point that we thought we was going to be able to take right. That's true.
M:That's true, you're gone.
T:I thought I could get to here, but this joke got one more Again and I'm and it's over, it's over. And you know, we try, we try, but you don't really have to try when it comes to this category. That's the point. Either they have it or they don't. You can make small suggestions you can make, you know, you can let people know what your standard is, but ultimately it's up to them to see if they're going to, you know, reciprocate, exactly what it is that you're looking for. And then it's also up to you to say whether or not you you know that meets your standard and you can live like that. And it's up to you to make sure that you find someone who is respectful of you and what you need from this life.
M:Hey, that was good.
T:Yeah, not at all.
M:That was good, that was beautiful.
T:That's what I'm trying to say. No, that's not that. No, he's super disrespectful. His mom probably made him like that, but I ain't heard that from me.
M:Okay.
T:But that's not her job, it's not that man. Mother job to make sure that man is respecting you. You know what I'm saying? Crazy concept it's your job to make sure the people that you introduced to your mama and you don't run to your father's home I just man keep disrespecting me. Your dad going to be like what you introduced that man to this family. We need to bring those fathers. That'd be like pause, baby girl, Hold on. You're not bringing anybody on up in here, you know. And now you better vet them properly before you bring them here.
M:That is so true, t because I can say my sister run and she brought a guy home. Everybody was out there looking for that cat. I didn't one time her, not the guy she married, but another guy called up to the front and he just beat the horn. I'm gonna put her coat. Hello, where you fucking going? People, who was on the fucking dead? You're gonna sit your goofy ass down. He's gonna come in here. I can see what happens if something happens, that motherfucker, you disappear. You're gonna say, well, how do you look? I don't know. He just beat the horn. She ran and jumped in the fucking car. It took off. You didn't see him. Oh, not at all. No, fuck, no, bring your goofy ass in here. Look at you. You're gonna look at if you clean, see if you smell. You do your head, what you doing? We're gonna question his ass. He's gonna feel like he's an interrogation room. We got the heat on that. He sweated every goddamn thing. Before he leaves, I wish I had a goddamn something to stand his goddamn driver's license at that time, you know. But I would have all his shit, dna and all that.
M:But you know you had to bring her back by 11. Now 11 01. Now 10 58. Fucking 11 o'clock. Yeah, okay, okay, that motherfucker was dead. No 10 58.
M:I was, I was, I was. I waited for that motherfucker. I looked at the window like this Wow, yes, I was, I was a motherfucker you were bringing in the open guys to call open the door for and walk into the. I got, you got, you got to get to put that. Notice. I can't put that shit on her because a lot of guys look at who's around here. Who can I do this to? Who's going to tell she got six brothers you look at your ass with because you fuck with her. She does gonna tell them and they want this system get hurt. So they're gonna hurt you real bad. So that's what it.
M:But, like I said that first one, that lack of respect is critical. Yeah, now you know. And that's just the first one. The next one oh boy, controlling behavior. I do not understand why people can't see this shit. We get it If you know that every question is everything you do, and I've seen this to women and men both. I've seen men do it to women and women do it to a man, so it's not like it's like one or the other, I've seen them both do it and it's sickening because you see, like damn motherfucker, she's set you ass up to put the gates like this. It was wide open but then all of a sudden you stop closing the gates on your ass. You know you hang out with me. Oh well, you know I can grow without me tonight, man, you can't hang up the boy.
M:Oh no man. No, she told me. You know you don't need them. They ain't got nobody in she's. You need to hang with me. All of a sudden he just disappeared and then you see his ass. Six, ten months later. He had a totally different deal. Like she took it.
T:And got taken like out of the damn.
M:It's in a jar. She took it, put in a jar and put it from out of high and put that shit up on the shelf and he could reach it. He could just hit the tip.
T:Yo boy got a pussy with. That's not the same. It's the same. He was spending quality time with his girl. That's not the same.
M:You know what I'm talking about? God damn it. You guys know what the hell I'm talking about.
T:I don't like nah, she's controlling, she's controlling. Oh God, I wasn't thinking on that, I wasn't thinking there.
M:I wasn't thinking that, not at all, not at all, because if you don't see both sides of you, it's very solid this way. No, I've seen both and both of them are just as bad. And I see, like I said, I see that guy taking that away and women is just so obviously we see him just start to put those walls up for him.
T:You know all of a sudden how much you love me, so he's not playing those mind games, which is but I think that in the beginning it comes off and it appears like cutesy, like suffocatingly cute, like you know, like as if a you know fluffy, right cat was. Like instead of laying on your chest, it was like a face. You know, like it's still beautiful, but it's killing you. You know, yes, that's like go down here. So I'm like let me breathe, but it's like, no, no, I like to be right here up on your face, right over your nostrils, in your mouth, right, so you can't breathe. Yeah, so it's deceiving, right, it's a bit of a deception, like it's not, as it's not as upfront. Right, it's like I'm going to give you all of my time, type of thing, but only because I don't want you to have time with other people, right?
T:But like enjoy the time with me, right, but you don't have time to take care of those other relationships. Like, girl, your grandmother still needed you Go. Like you still got to go to grandma's house. Like you can't just stop going to your grandmother because you got a new boyfriend. Like that's not, you can't do that, you can't. No, you still got food pantry and pass out the food. Like you still have to be able to do the things you used to do. So you have to go volunteer and do your charitable work. You still got to show up to church.
T:You know he can't just like encompass you with all of his time and it's flattering you know, it looks cute in the beginning because it feels great, especially if you've been deprived of love and affection and attention.
M:Oh, my God, yes.
T:I have not been in what you felt like a solid relationship with somebody who actually, you know, took you serious or, you know, made you feel wanted. Perhaps Haven't felt that in a long time. So here you go, you all up on your line, you know, coming over, he's trying to meet you for lunch real quick. I mean, he got all of your sanity, all of your attention, but I'm not. I think I'm on her in a minute.
M:Oh, because he's he's. He's your life. He becomes your life because, like you said before if you never had real love, if you never had someone love you that way, it's new to you. Yeah, love it because it feels good.
T:It genuinely feels good, right. So that's a little bit of the deception of getting to a controlling point or a controlling person. Is that in the beginning there's definitely drugs. You know they're not going to pretend like that and feel good and that's true.
M:That's true. That's how people go crack. You say that first hit was crazy, but you know you never get back to that same feeling.
T:But there's something there that feels amazing that you know you allowed him to put himself or put herself into so many bits and pieces and parts of your life that you forgot about everybody else around you. And you know, like you said, it's men and women, because the men that have their sisters telling them you know all, as soon as you get into a relationship, you know the only person you know is her. You can't treat your sister like that. You know you used to look out for your sister. You used to go to the movies with your sister. Y'all used to go to Hain Lake. You still have to foster and have those relationships that you had before. You were with him even, or her, even, while you're with that person. So if you don't know, if you're being controlled, it doesn't have to be something so blatant as someone telling you what you can and can't wear or where you can and cannot go. It's the whole idea that you don't have those regular relationships that perhaps you had once before.
M:Yeah, and you have to ask yourself that question and you have to almost do a test on yourself saying whoa, if you've been in this relationship for three months, you have to ask yourself well, who have I always talked to that I don't talk to anymore? You ask yourself some of your girls I'm dating, but if you start looking at family members that you just hang out with, like your grandmother or mama, and you don't see them, you ask yourself damn, why haven't I seen them?
M:But they reached out to you because of course they're going to reach out to you because you're always conversing. You have to ask yourself, why am I not talking to them? Like, am I that tired within his world, in my world, that I don't even discount them? Then you have to kind of do a reality check with yourself because, again, this thing called love you get infatuated. It's all encompassing, it makes you feel so good you don't want to get. It's like a cold, cold morning and you're laying in your bed with them sheets wrapped around you, that big blanket wrapped around you. You're like I got to get up. You don't want to do that, but you're going to have to just kind of get in and check and see, hey, what's going on? Am I doing something different, have something changed? But that's something you need to do. He or she's not going to do it for you because they have a particular agenda on their own. But you have to say, am I being controlled subconsciously based on things he's doing and I put that burden on myself to say, oh, I want to make him unhappy and I'm happy, or do I say whoa, whoa, whoa, I just need to make sure I'm still connected to people even though I'm going through this relationship. So that's something that everyone has to really step back and look and ask themselves that question and do a real.
M:You know you may have some friends you don't want to talk to. The first goddamn place you were with them or talking to them because you were lonely, you had nobody. Yeah, you know, and if they're kind of people that got somebody, then you're like you got somebody. You're like I fucking they're going to talk to each other. They ain't going to buy anyway. Then you got to roll with them, leave them where they at, because you want a misery. But if they're good people, y'all Get on the misery, that was solid.
M:No, no, you won't be like grapes. Like you separate from that batch of grapes. Be free, go, do you, but especially if it's holding you back, but if you have legitimate relationships with good relationships with people just make sure that you don't fall prey to manipulation when it comes to certain things like why you got to go see your grandma this Sunday, why you got to go see, could you talk to her on the phone?
M:Can you do this? So it didn't keep your way from them, and more in his world should make you say why. But yeah, he goes to see all his people. He sees his mama, he sees his grandma. But when you got to go see your grandma, talk to your grandma, there's always some shit. So you got to really say I got really soft looking. And then you start making sure that you look at everything now just to make sure you ain't going crazy. But it's like, oh, you start to kind of say, oh, this is happening, this is happening in Well, how do you help foster your other healthy relationships?
T:Right, like, even if it was just you know an interest or you know a new lady friend, you know you would still randomly ask oh, you know, how's your mom doing? Like, I don't talk to your mom, no, I'm not telling you. To tell your mom I said, hi, I've never met you a day. Yeah, boy, you're just dating. And you went like to know, you know, make sure, hey, you know shit, I mean your house drinking your damn you know champagne and whatnot. Like your folks, good, like everybody on your side, everybody. Good, like a general inquiry and that's a sensible inquiry for you to make sure people in that person who you're pursuing or who's pursuing you on their team is good. Like, yeah, like you can. And if you're into something that's you know you're pursuing each other.
T:Absolutely you would ask hey, you know your mother. Good, you know your folks. Good, you know whoever that person talks about. Right, you know how you been. Right, you know you would just inquire about to make sure they doing. Good, you know when last time you checked up on your family, when last time you checked up on your folks. You know, you want to know those things if you really gave a shit about somebody. I'm just saying but you're right.
M:but again that's when you have to step outside that love blanket Because again everything just seems beautiful. But sometimes you got to get a little chill to wake you up and say, oh, let me look around see, make sure everything's happening the way it should be happening. Because again you have to, because that's how you get fall, you get low asleep, and then she knew you wake up, you in a situation like I, damn high and up here.
T:Yeah, 25 years later, I'm about what I do it.
M:but that's why I said ladies and gentlemen, keep your damn eyes open when it comes to that, because again it happens. It doesn't happen so blatantly, it happens real slowly.
T:It's a real soul thing.
M:It's not a hit in the head with a break. Remember, it feels good yeah it feels good, but always keep your eyes open.
T:Absolutely.
M:Now the third one, which is great, guys, is everybody is communication. I don't know why. Everyone say this to y'all and I'm gonna say it's a T to everybody. How in the fuck do you have sex with somebody and do some of the freakiest shit on God's green earth that you wouldn't even want nobody to know that you did, but you can't have a conversation, a communicate each other like what you need. And what's our confused? What does that happen to you?
T:That's false. You can't. It's conversations. It's just somebody's not going to like what they want to hear. Okay, if you're going to be honest, that honesty is not going to necessarily get what you want, okay, that's why people tell a lie. Let's be real about why we don't want to communicate what we really feel. You know I'm going to offend you and then when I offend you, you're not going to give me what I want. You won't give me the access that I want. You know I, you, just I can't. I don't have what I want anymore because you know I'm communicating too effectively. I'm being honest, that's real.
M:But T isn't that what we want. I'll partner to be honest about their feelings.
T:Some people do, but it depends on what game you're playing. Everybody's not playing the same game. That's why.
M:I.
T:I guess that's why this is on the list, right? Someone's playing those games with communication. There's a reason why they're playing games with communication. It is to a lot of times it is to deceive, and it might not be. You know what you're thinking of. It could just be like something that you know they want to hold back and that's repressed Like I don't. I don't want to put all that out there, but generally it is. It's going to be to deceive or to lie. If I can't be super upfront right Outside of just being immature and that's hopefully you know eventually you'll grow up and you know, understand communicating with each other. But ultimately people are going to stumble with communicating because they're trying to lie to each other and you're like I don't really want to talk to you about it, like I'm my ass, like and go because you know something that's worth pursuing, it's going to get you in order and you feel comfortable talking to your partner. Who's who's really solid with you right, communicating.
M:Yes.
T:But they made you feel comfortable there and you trust, you know, in that communication in the sense that you can communicate. But if there's no trust and I can't communicate nothing, nah, that's a red flag, this is shit, this is a lack of respect.
M:Let's see how it all builds on each other. It's like I can understand how it all becomes one because you have that's the one that you do every day. You communicate every single day.
T:See, but I talk about the things I communicate. Hey, babe, brand me up with Caramel Marquillado from Starbucks. I'm going to say a medium. I mean, I don't know what they're talking about in this Starbucks, but give me a medium, right? I know exactly what I want. I know how to communicate that. I can speak English very well, but you know, brain is working pretty Okay. I could say, right, mm-hmm. Hey, what I want, you know the man's hungry, babe, I'm hungry. What you want? A steak, what else? Some potatoes, a little broccoli would be nice. You know, a little ruffian air, he can talk, he can communicate you, you come home at the two o'clock in the morning you said, and you don't know what's wrong with you, you mad, mad and you know, like, what you mad for, like, where you been at.
M:Uh, uh-huh, you was that yeah, oh, let me tell you that's the one thing. It's, guys, we get caught all the time. We get a relationship and you use, you hang out with all the time need hang out with the fellas there's sometimes, you know, we get the fellas, time gets away.
T:Time to get away. Yeah, I think women setting alarm. You know we might set four or five right now, today, Because we're not, we're not about to let no time get away. We don't do that whole clock away. We meant for the time to get away Inequently. Like you know what, I'm gonna just take the L. You know, I'm gonna just say sorry tomorrow and um tell with the time.
M:I would tell you a personal one. I'm tell you a personal story about that. I was David. My wife and I was going leave her boys went to the club. We went to this nice, beautiful club and we was sitting in there and god, there was a strip club. So I was in there kicking it and it was weird because it was the time right around this time of the year with the time switch. So we was in the club. I thought I see, about three, four Girl, about three o'clock came who it was? It was picking in that in that club. The man said this and the club closed at three. He said I could either Shut the club down there or we can go roll for another hour because time goes forward. Let's go to the road. So four became five, five became six when we walked out the door. So we walked, I said, oh shit, the sun coming up. So all of us, you know we got to get home. By that time I had a pager page going off.
T:Mm-hmm. Look, told the whole story not, not, it not, no, no, 8am. I know you ain't let the sun be chew up in here, not here. I mean it's just I don't know if it's like ingrained in the woman, but that's so. I mean it'd be like the ultimate disrespect. Cuz awful woman is. We're never let the Sun be the Sun, not ever over our dead body.
M:Yeah, it's so. You know, you learn it's, guys, okay, I have to appreciate the time. You know, the extended, the extra few hours. You guys said, hey, you said this got by your word because if she went out so I'll be back by three and by three ten. You like, oh, what the hell's going on by. You know, by that time you, you down 9-1-1-1 where are you?
T:what's going on there? Y'all didn't showed up. Cooled up to whatever old girl says. She was supposed to have been up by 307. You know, make your own man said you got seven to eleven minutes before the guy show up, you already.
M:Slow, true, so true. You know it's communication. Like I said, you have to communicate the whole time and it can't be. If you have something going on or something's bothering you, it's best to talk about it then. Then they keep Covering it and covering it, because what happens is you, you have an issue, you don't talk about it, you keep covering it up and just keeps happening. Then you have an argument about a Piece of paper and you say piece of paper, it's so simple. It wasn't a piece of paper, it was that argument. You had a discussion that you are had six months earlier. That has now bound up to a point where it's about the bus, and then she's pissed off or use some paper on the floor, and now that's gonna turn into what initially you never saw. So Please, have a conversation with each other constantly, talk about it. Well, it's comfortable, uncomfortable Because, again, if this is your person, you want make sure they're comfortable with you, because if they're not comfortable with you, you kind of have to ask yourself why my in this relationship.
T:Truly so the other things, the communication is that it has Effects right mm-hmm just because I communicated to you something, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're gonna like what I have to say.
T:No, no, it's so true, very true oh it's just like the idea that the guy is like you know, don't ever lie, oh, no, scratch the guy, the guy can handle it, I'm sorry. It's like what the woman says Don't ever lie to me, I can handle it. And then you know, the guys today be like okay, you know, I'm gonna tell you whatever, whatever it is that's on the table right, and you tell she damn near dies, Okay, she all over the floor. You know, makeup is just all over her face. She ugly, snot, nose, crying, and Shit can hurt. That's, that's the only point I'm trying to make here. Is that Hating, you know the truths, oh, can hurt and it's not all as peaches and cream. As necessary as it is, okay, it's not the easiest thing. So we understand why people are lying and deceiving. But, um, you got to communicate and you got to communicate effectively and tell the truth. And if somebody's not doing that shit up front and in the beginning, Hmm.
T:Oh my run run.
M:Yes, because I'm so tired of people. You know how well you don't communicate and you don't do this and I had to go in and go on to your social media, go on to your phone and all that stuff. I'm thinking what the hell you talking about. You got to do all that, so that's crazy to me.
T:Yes, they did. They'll do that for the entirety of the relationship, though. So I'm laughing. I'm laughing because I don't think it's funny. I do, personally I do, but it's not there. It's in Reality, like that's a lot of work, right? You're not even getting paid for all the work that you're putting into it. Um, and At the end of the day, that person just got like a cell phone that you don't even know about. So, yes, that's that you don't even know about. So, um, yeah, that's except people for who they are, and I always say you know, we can always kick people to the curb. We don't have to necessarily kick people to the curb, you know. But you know, bow out gracefully. But I'm gonna continue saying kick people to the curb, but you know, respect each other, bow out.
M:Exactly and that rose right into number four, which is lack of trust. Mmm, that rose that, well, we talked about. If I have to pick here's the ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking to y'all. If y'all have to pick up a motherfuckers phone and go through social media to find out where she is, he is and and they talk to this person, that person, that relationship is done because there's no trust. If there's no trust, there can be a relationship. Man, what do you think? T?
T:Am I wrong? No, no, I mean when, first of all, we talking about dating. See, I started off with the first one and I went off on this whole big tangent about, you know, respect and the marriage and all that good stuff. Yes, dating, these are flags about dating. Okay, you don't trust that person in the beginning, right, whoa, I don't. I don't cannot make it come to the curb, bow out, gracefully right, but run fast after you bow out. Okay, run fast, because the person that you don't trust Absolutely what happened in the beginning.
M:In the beginning, yeah, I mean really gotten anywhere? You just started this relationship. You don't trust them. Again, we hear it all the time everywhere. I check his phone, I check his social media. Well, I heard one lady which the lady said this I don't trust my boyfriend so much. When he comes home, I tell him to drop him.
T:Oh, she want to smell them smell them.
T:And I get it now because I didn't understand. Okay, so, maybe. Okay, so I'm one of them. I'm one of these people. I'm guilty, but I can't, I can't help it. And then you know I won't change it. But like like a hyperactive cell phone, right, I think, just keep dinging and then, after it ding, it ring and then after it ring and make a different notification sound. You know, like you just have a practice cell phone, you like ever to keep ignoring all the stuff, right, dean phone rings, and you just like nice, okay, I get it later. I just get it. They don't trust that. That makes men uncomfortable. You know, mm-hmm, vice, yeah, but I don't worry about my phone because I would be crazy of you. I can understand, you would have to have trust. You would genuinely have to have trust. Yeah, I want to be the type of person, but what I Google is not your business.
T:No that would be crazy for all of my Googleable thoughts to be my base business. No, I don't like that concept.
M:I don't like this. There's no way. Because if that's the case, then you know what is your purpose being with them. Because they obviously don't make you happy. Because if you don't trust them, why the hell can it make you happy? Because in your head, when he leaves, is he going to work? He's talking about a cookie house. Is he going to meet some other chick? So, chicken head. No, I can't live.
T:No, I can't live your life like that. Absolutely not, absolutely not. And here was the other one. This is the Facebook trust, though. When you talking to somebody on Facebook and or you know them and they're on Facebook and you text them and you see that they active on Facebook and they haven't text you back, like that's actually a fair move, just like if anybody was wondering right, that's a fair, I don't have to text you back just because I'm on Facebook. Just over there, I had to tell one of my homegirls, not tell him to turn that thing off, turn that green button off, because he's allowed to do that. Yeah, so just because he on Facebook, he has to be texting you back immediately. No, no no.
M:And again you have to ask yourself what do he do or she do in the first place to cause you to not trust them?
T:Sometimes it's not even that person. It'd be the past relationships.
M:And we all know, ah, we talk about the baggage you bring in.
T:And it'd be. It'd be like the this is probably like the baggage that that's powered up onto it's, you know, onto itself, right, this whole big. You know your own idea of what, what, how he's trying to play with you. So you just don't trust nothing that I did or nothing that he did. You know they saw how the other women treated you or, based off of other other men, treat how the other men treated you. Wow, she didn't do, he did nothing.
M:Oh, and that is the issues that it's. People don't realize how important that is. Like I said, all these things we're talking about is important, but if you have no trust, you have to. And again, if it's based on what the guy did to you or the person you're dating did to you, okay. But if you're pulling in people or other relationships you had out the goodie bag or the bag then the bag is not. You're not really supposed to have a bag. You should have a folder and that folder is things you learn from relationships.
M:You don't go buy these out the bag and just say, oh, he's like this one, he's like this one, because a lot of most people aren't. People aren't like other people that you date. They have different. There's probably some certain qualities about themselves, but overall they're different. But you have to learn this is all part of evolution, evolving as a person.
M:You don't pull out past people. You pull out past values, past actions to say I've seen this before and I don't want to go through this again. But if that guy you know, if the guy who did it, the guy, if that guy who you're dating did something to you, okay, that's to me, that's like okay, this, he did this, which made me look at him sideways and I got. I got to have a conversation with him. But if you're pulling people out the bag, out the goodie bag or the baddie bag, then to me you're not even giving it.
M:You're not looking at this guy. You look at I've seen this before before you even really delve into it per se to really say this is what's happening or this deviation for something I've seen before. But a lot of people just go to oh, I've seen before and that that put our trust. You, I'm looking at everything and checking your draws. I'm looking at your phone, I'm looking at everything and I has to be able to see all your stuff and, as a guy who didn't do anything they are, you will. I did them to you. If you bring in some shit from the past, why should I suffer?
T:I didn't do this to you, somebody else did Well you suffer because you, you tolerate it, see, and you can't, you, you're not willing. A lot of men are not willing to say straight up that this is. You know, this is a self control, self control behavior problem and I'm not willing to play this game. See, a lot of I don't want to say y'all like to play a little game. You know a little game. You know a little dog cat. They like to chase each other. It's a little funny. It's a long time now. You know we all stopped this straight up. Oh, stop tolerating that stuff, stop entertaining old girl. You know that like a woman want to smell you, you know you come through the door Like that's that, that is a red flag.
M:Yeah.
T:Unless you've been cheating on.
M:Actually you had me cheated. She told you pull your pants down. Let me spell you. They got that. And it's a guy, it's a fucking guy. That's a respect for yourself. Don't go up there and talk about oh she, she won't smell me, it makes you. I ain't playing around, bitch, listen. You can smell them droids after I take a shower, but I ain't taking shit off. You know, when I put it in the dirty clothes hamper, it's free reign, it's open season. You can do what you want to, but I'm not going to stand here in the front door so you can sniff me and then proceed. Hell, no, no.
T:And then you guys, it's a few different levels to that. Right, it's like why you want the type of man who you don't trust, like that, on that level, right, can you leave them if you wanted to leave them. Right, it's like that's crazy. Or find somebody to replace whatever he's giving you because, like, maybe I date him, so you know. And then sometimes females just going to see, or people going to see, how you know, testing those boundaries, see how far you let them go with it and far with it, um, because you're allowing it.
M:So I just who at that people? Trust is important, trust is everything. And if you have that issue or trust issue, but then again T that goes back to women and men who have trust issues in the beginning, often off the beginning to have trust issues, and for me I always say work that shit out before you get into a relationship, before you start dating. Work that out, because that's going to end all your relationships, is horribly wrong because your paranoia is going to kick in even when it's not there but you think it's there. Nobody wants a paranoid person man, old, woman, I don't care how fine you are, nobody wants that.
T:I would also like you know they try it. You know I can't personally accept that, not doing that shit. You know that's not here, um, you know you're welcome to leave or you're welcome to cut that out, so, um, but if you allow it, it's just going to go from one thing to another, you know, and that lack of trust can that shit can do some damage down the road, like major damage.
M:major and and the other thing is is one thing if this is an issue with the two of you guys, if you mess around and have a kid, it just complicates, complicates everything. So this we're trying to tell you this before you even get in that stage we having kids or anything look at how your guys are relating to each other and if you don't trust them, you have to ask yourself why. If it's legitimate, then you say why didn't make that decision?
T:That actually I don't have to be no damn legitimate. I don't have to have a legitimate reason why I don't trust you during the dating process to not want to deal with you. It can be a gut feeling, it can be an intuition. Ain't a damn thing legitimate about that? I'm not feeling it. I don't trust this man. For some reason, some men can just look at a woman and be like I don't trust her. Run, it's okay to. If you don't feel like you can trust that person, it don't have to. You don't gotta have no reason. Deuces we ain't got, we're dating. We don't gotta go further than this.
M:That is very true. That is true. So you hey, you give you all the options that you could take, so you have a gut and you bounce, you say, hey, it's mostly something. So, I'm glad you put that out there. T and with that we're going to roll into this. The last thing, oh my God. Unresolved conflict.
T:Oh, that's how we started. Let's go.
M:I have seen so many people over the years break up because, as I said before the very beginning, they never had that conversation. It was never a right time. You know, I don't know why you bring it up. I don't know why you're upset about it. Discount your feelings, but if you have an issue with it, we need to talk about it. You may think it's it's, it's it's significant. You know why the hell are you upset about it. But if your partner is upset about it, let's talk, let's have a conversation.
T:But people don't want to have that conversation and, like we said, you keep prowling shit on top of it 36 years, you know, 42, like look at these old marriages, like even the old old marriages that have unresolved problems. That's why people say, oh, how they broke up after 25 years, how they broke up after 20 years, how they broke up after what. They had that sitting on the shelf for 25 years. They had that issue sitting on the shelf for 18 years. To the kids graduated high school. To the kids got married. Yeah, they had that same dumb issue sitting there unresolved. I left the room keeping them uncomfortable year in and year out and they want to deal with the shit. And so if you date somebody and you can clearly see that they got unresolved issues sitting up on the shelf, especially from a relationship of the opposite sex, like a dating relationship.
M:Come on, it's gonna hand to you. It's just grown people, grown, grown people who are now discussions that we have and now they ignore all this and they're now at an older age or age and they're like I'm trying to find somebody love me, for me, and you know what? For that person who said that who are you? Yeah, you're pretty much the same person I've known from damn near 40 plus years and you're pretty much the same. So who are you? And what this person said, I became something to everyone that I dated that they were like but never gave them who I was or what I like. I said so, oh, you're a chameleon. So no, chameleons change to fit where a situation in. You'll never find happiness there, because whoever you change yourself into, you make that person happy. But you are the person that who's oddball out. And why would you want to be the oddball out when you're not benefiting anything from this relationship?
T:Why would I want to be dating myself If you're turning into me every time you meet me? You know I'm saying the meets in the world, how long does it last? Because you like the guy who is. You know the guy that you like. Because you know he's not you. He doesn't necessarily. You know he like, he perhaps spoils you, but you know there's a lot of things he don't do too Like you know like, okay, now I think that's kind of you know, I try to give about him.
T:You know something about him. It's a little standoffish. You know how women get. You know, it's just different. And a guy who keeps showing up, who don't know himself, eventually you're going to see through that, eventually you see through that and then you're going to assume this guy's taking on that baggage on to every relationship. He's going on feeling unwanted and, you know, undesired, all this shit he's not working through. Because if he would have worked through that in the first you know two or three mess ups, he would have been figured it out. Yeah, you'd have probably. Hello.
M:Exactly, and that's the other thing. People should not get in relationships until you really find out what happened in your last relationship, meaning critical. Look, it's like doing autopsy. It's like let me see what killed that last relationship, and if it was him, what was it? If it was me, what was it? So that you don't make the same mistake moving forward or you look for a different type of guy or different kind of woman later in the next relationship. People so quick to go from one level relationship to another relationship, to another relationship because they don't want to spend that time with themselves. It's almost like I don't want to do that work. You need to do the goddamn work, but you don't want to do the work because you ain't gonna like what you see. And you have to not like what you see because that will make you a better person and make you compatible for somebody out there that really will want you for who you are, but you ain't know who the hell you are.
T:No, that's not why people don't want to do the work. I'm gonna be lonely and I'm gonna be broke. Okay, as you know that man was paying that in the fall and he was holding their tight and good at night. Okay, that's why you really don't want to do the work. To heal yourself, right, because the hell yourself and get over all the past traumas in relationship required you to get lonely. Now you got yourself watching lifetime movies and you know all of God is to go. You know, I don't know, but it's not. It's not the same.
T:And they know man sitting right there, whether you argue with him, whether you trust him or don't trust, trust him whether he respected you or not. He not dead. You know, because you're healing, you got to figure yourself out. And that little extra money you know car note, car insurance, shit, groceries. I don't know nails. Now you're damn nails not done. Your nails ain't never been done. You know they never not been done. But now you are here so much and you're healing yourself. Yeah, yeah, you're healing yourself now.
T:Now, your little. What is this? 30 inch bus down is just. You know a little 10 inch situation Basic train right for the footer right now. You know nails regular, like that's the healing process, that's that little subsidize or, you know, just a little subsidize lifestyle perhaps for some of us. You know, and I'm gonna say I saw people feel better. You know it's, it's, it's, it's a little bit of an and healing is not as comfortable, you know, because if you're healing is because something hurting, so that's been that hurt. Who the hell is sitting here? Why would I do that? No, let me just move on to the next one. No, I just know he reckless, so why not me be reckless? You know they ruthless by women can't be. That's not everybody in the game acting ruthless and ruthless.
M:And in the end you both end up lonely or alone, angry because I love the sex scene.
T:Everybody got all that unresolved shit sitting up on the shelf and we to you know, and ourself to really figure that out. But we can see it in the beginning when you walking in. You know the girl who got the baby daddy, who always calling by he blowing up the line. You know I'm saying, or vice versa oh shit, oh girl with the but the daddy issues, that's not come out in 30 days or less.
T:Oh without question 30 days or less. Oh girl, with the mommy issues. You know the other, the, the son, super attached to the mom. You know the guy who pretend, like you know he misses daughter and you know mom keep keeping them away but he don't got no regular job. You're like, so what she was going to do anyway, like Nick, good work, straight up. What do you want to figure out? What you mad about this is unresolved issues that when you do get into a relationship straight up, they show themselves in 30 days or less.
M:Yeah, I do.
T:If a man is busting out crying in front of you in 30 days or less. No, I'm sorry.
M:Yeah, because let me tell you, ladies, for my guy, we're not gonna go out there and be breaking tears and tell you about our life story, hard, hard life. We're gonna do this.
T:Unresolved and I just, I don't know any women who's all the way holding together, who's busting out crying. It's true, it's true, it's going on in the background there, right Like real talk. It should be nice, you know nice family she, you know good, head on the shoulders, beautiful body. But people go through shit and they've not finished dealing with the things that they gone through. And if you're choosing to date with these people, to date these people who showing up with these unresolved issues and baby, you know they're there, you rallying behind them to help them out with the shit, exactly, that is so true.
M:You don't need to be their therapist. You're not gonna be their therapist.
T:In the 80s. You don't need to be, they dancer.
M:Nobody needs to be, nobody therapist, because that's not what you fucking signed up for. You signed up for a healthy relationship, somebody who you can possibly connect with and do some wonderful things. That's what you want to do. Yeah, go together. Don't boys. Women don't raise boys. They raise their kids. If you have to raise the guy that's in front of you, you don't have to get rid of him. You don't raise boys. Raise your board, not a board. Somebody else's boys you're trying to date. No.
M:So for sending for women I mean for you know we don't want, we don't want, we don't want girls with the Bible, all these issues and shit going on. I mean we will mind listening to it, but we don't want that shit. My mama and I got these issues. I don't want to deal with your mama and your issues. I'll work that shit out. You know it's just. But then I know I'm gonna have to pay attention because now the mom and the daughter have an issue that could come back and fuck with me Now, because you know if they got those kind of issues, he ain't no good.
M:She can pass shit on my parade. So now I'm probably to deal with that too. Do I want to deal with that? No, do I see you know what nice person I can deal with this other? Her fucking deal with that in her mom or whatever daddy, whatever issues she got going on. But that means you have to do it early and you have to stop thinking like you know, if I get them draws or I do, no, you may not even work at the withdrawals.
T:It's more comfortable coming into a family Without these unresolved conflicts or with the least amount of them. You know it's less headache, it feels better. I mean it feels better than the quick you know one like it does, I guarantee you, because damn y'all boys be long run Like.
M:Mm. Hmm, it's not worth it. Trust us. Trust us, we can tell you from experience and people we know is not fucking worth it. It's not worth using your time. You know, don't waste your time. We don't know how long we got in general, but don't waste your time on bullshit. Nobody wants to go. Oh, you know, eight years. I spent eight years. I spent eight years, 18 years, 10 years, 20 years with his ass. He never changed.
T:Yeah, Somebody listen to that shit. And then you be mad, mad. You decided to do that. Like you got, at least you could talk about the situation like differently, Like you know a little more uplifting, Like no, we had our ups and downs, but you know it was it was, it was done. You know I want to change it for any you know, say that Exactly. He said have stories You've been with somebody seven, eight years. They want to make you ain't changed neither. Yeah.
M:Hello, you didn't change. So both became happy with each other and they think the other one's going to change. They're basically going to change, no.
T:They're broken, playing with the broken, and then they want to talk to other people about it and they think we're supposed to be saying oh hell, no, now here, go to top five. Now there's several red flags out there, but if you're talking about that man is disrespectful and be like bitch, how long? Hello, yes.
M:Yes.
T:Because if you say long, now you like, that's how you're doing your relationship.
M:Yeah, he's surprised he don't treat you any differently. He's not going to treat you differently because you accepted.
T:No reason to Absolutely not no, no.
M:And again, you know, people, we, just again, we, we just tell you start from the ground floor, stop jumping in the fuck. Just don't jump in the fucking pool when you don't realize it's 60 feet deep. You can't swim. Go to the kitty, got them pool, sit over there and get that little little bit of water and work away when it comes to dating, because this dating shit is like a shark and when you get in, that is you got. You can be a guppy getting in the pool or water full of sharks because you can eat enough like that. So you know, it's like, listen to us, like we're telling you these five, just these five. There's more, but these five are the most important things and I'm going to say it again it's lack of respect, control and behavior, his poor as communication. You know this honestly or in this case, trust.
M:You know we're trying to tell you, we're trying to save you from the heartache, save you from looking at people's draws and looking at phones and going on social media and you know people's jobs and all this other crazy shit. That's just not normal and when you don't respond to these red flags properly and makes you go crazy.
T:So again, you know we're going to keep coming back with different stuff in different conversations, but take this I'm serious, take this right on a piece of paper and put that shit in your pocket and purse or whatever.
M:And then every time you mean just put a little name on the tag and sit there and listen to him and talk to him, just talk to him and see what he had. Is that you know? You kind of know your instinct, as Miss T says, will tell you like this bitch is crazy. This guy is crazy as hell. Yeah he made the right choices. You know so what you want to say T.
T:When you out here, like got your eyes open for these red flags, right, make sure you don't yourself show up as the red flag. I know that we're forgetting about ourselves. We always want to look at ourselves in the mirror and check ourselves first before we want to check other people. Right, because, remember, we're dating, so sometimes you and I can forget about you know dating, but right, and just as much as your own. Else, you're also presenting yourself to the other person. So make sure you show up with respect, right. Make sure you don't show up with controlling behavior. Right for communicating. Right, and make sure you're trustworthy All those things right. Make sure you're showing up properly when you're trying to call out somebody else for their red flags. And yeah, just.
M:This episode of on the mic with them and see this and people, you know what to do. Hit that subscribe button, hit the like button, hit the little bell so you can get all the new stuff that comes out from us. And I want to thank all the 500 plus subscribers and we're growing every day. And again, keep the email coming, keep the comments coming. We just here to help you live a better life and make the better decisions. So with that, we'll highlight you later. Peace and bless.