From Geek to Chic: How Self-Worth Transforms Love and Parenting

What if love, as you know it, isn't about finding the perfect one but about navigating a complex terrain of emotions? This episode takes you on a journey through the landscape of relationships, focusing on the often overlooked importance of vulnerability, risk-taking, and clear communication. Join us as we explore the difficulties and the beauty of putting your cards on the table in the game of love.

Ever pondered how our expectations can turn into relationship pitfalls, or how our upbringing and self-worth perceptions can shape our love life? We delve into these matters, shedding light on the impact of self-esteem, healing, and life experiences on relationships. You'll hear us assessing societal norms, parenting influence, and the intriguing transition from the nerdy kid to a successful adult. 

This enlightening discussion also navigates the intersection of parenting and dating, emphasizing the importance of balance and respect. We underline how children can be influenced by the dating life of their parents and why it is crucial to set boundaries and expectations. From understanding self-worth to building a strong friendship before a romantic union, this episode promises an insightful reflection on love, parenting, and moving on. Join us for a deep dive into the complexity and beauty of relationships.

Transcript

M: 0:05

Welcome back to On the Mic with the M.

T: 0:08

And T.

M: 0:09

Hey, we were just kicking it before this podcast. We were talking about some things and we were talking about how people are. I'm just going to say nobody want to put all their cards on the table when it comes to this dating game, and people don't want to be vulnerable. They want to be used in T's term. Nobody want to be hurt. Let me say this to y'all people Fucking love hurts, God damn it.

T: 0:36

It hurts bad.

M: 0:38

So how bad? Do you really want to get a wifey or a hubby, or do you just want to have friends? So we're going to go with that and roll with some other things. What do you think about this? I don't want to get hurt. I want my chest to hurt.

T: 0:52

I want my heart to hurt my baby's got a comment. I didn't郵 and say maybe that's kind of like gait, like if you want anything to pain, do that. Using me about that is like if you don't want to be hurt by this person, it's time to move on and carry on, because you're playing around with the wrong person for too long, like letting y'all. Like, if this person no, me and my cousin had a debate, I'm calling you, I'm calling you. Yeah, call me Now. I'm answering Now. I've got nothing to do. Now you ain't called too much If you bought a line psychotic with it, like clearly there's a line to draw, but I mean, let's, let's, let's be real.

T: 1:37

You're not entertaining nobody else. I'm not entertaining nobody else. You like time and attention. You know, spend passing time on the phone Me too. I mean I'm just saying I I don't understand what's wrong with the idea of someone like pursuing someone else and like kind of being what we consider being pressed about the other person, right, like no, I want to. I want to be pursued like that, like no, let me know that you here for it. Call me in the morning and be like oops, hello, good morning. Yeah, you know what I mean, I'm not entertaining nobody else. You know what I mean. I don't, first of all don't. Don't call me in a lineup though.

M: 2:25

I don't want to.

T: 2:28

I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying I don't want to be the third person that you told good morning to that.

M: 2:34

Oh yeah, you know what we all know.

T: 2:37

That don't do I'm talking about if somebody's genuinely, you know, into somebody else because what's going to end up happening, right? No, you genuinely into somebody now. I got to hold back these feelings, I got to hold back the idea of being pressed. But to me you hold back because you know you kind of vetting someone, right, and you don't want to like offend, right, because you're doing too much, like now that now they worried or, you know, threatened, or like is this a possessive individual? Like no, I'm just feeling you like we got butterflies going.

M: 3:16

Y'all got butterflies going.

T: 3:17

Oh shit See that's the women's side.

M: 3:23

See, for us, we're always hesitant anyway, because we don't want to be that guy who's like too fucking pushy, you know, like you you sweating or you texting all the time and you like you know your owner and you like I want to be that dude.

T: 3:36

That's where I got jobs. I don't got no job. Text me all the time, uh-uh.

M: 3:42

Yeah.

T: 3:44

And Murray can be married to like. Yeah, 25 years now Text me all the time, baby yeah.

M: 3:53

And got and felt. Ladies and gentlemen, you know you talk to two people who been married for 20 plus years and 28 years. So for us it's it's not old to us, because we still do that. I still text my wife. I text her every day, she texts me every day and I even. You know what you doing, shit, it's just that's what you do. You just check on them and keep it moving. There's nothing about it, it's just a little show of love, a little tender care. You know we still do date night. We do do. Everybody does date night because, again, it's one of those things you don't want to lose when you started. And the other thing do not start shit that you can't continue. Don't do it. Don't start that shit, life will do that to you.

M: 4:38

Sometimes. But you got to take some things you got to do.

T: 4:42

It'll do it to you all the time, see, because you have one child, right so your world did just a little, you know, just a little tilt, right. So imagine, right so you, you had one kid in your world and just a little tilt, right. Now let's say that you tilted with the second kid, right, oh, okay, that's a lot of time we doing a little shit, like life is getting a little different, you know, not that much different, but just a little different. Now let's add on the third. Oh, okay, let's throw on the patent there too, right?

M: 5:14

now now we got.

T: 5:15

That's when we travel, like when we doing stuff, like so now we got three kids, two dogs, and then your mama got sick. So now we got to take your mother. Now Life changes and like gratefully, like perhaps you and your wife, because you're swearing that I never miss date night. Now I'm going to have to confirm that with her, because I don't know if you swallow it, you know.

M: 5:39

I lost my phone. Yes, I never miss date night. Now it may move from day to day, but I never miss the night, yeah, yeah, life.

T: 5:49

But I'm just saying, life happens, and so you can't get away from stuff like that. The whole idea, though, is trying to get back. Once you realize like oh yeah, you know, we've been out on a date in 10 years. Yeah, now get up and go out on a date now. No, don't just sit back and be like we ain't been out no way in 10 years. And now you got attitude Get up, it's time to go out, it's okay. Yeah, you remember.

M: 6:15

Now, yes, you're absolutely right and what we're trying to tell you guys that at our stage, but in your earlier stage, you're going to have to be a little vulnerable.

M: 6:26

You're going to have to take a chance, because if you don't take a chance, you'll never get to where you need to get to, because one thing about this world is if you don't take any chances, you're not going anywhere. It's just a fact. If you don't go, it's a hey. You know, I want to get that job. I want to be a fireman. Well, you don't ever pass a goddamn test. You'll never be a fireman. You want to be a teacher. You never go to school and pass a test. You never be a teacher. So you have to take a risk. Life is you have to take some risks. You guys stay.

T: 6:52

I mean to me in relationships you're technically supposed to stay, I think you're supposed to stay vulnerable right, like that's your partner. Who else are you going to be vulnerable for? That's also true.

M: 7:06

That's why it's going to be very, you know, you got to be very selective of who you start to open yourself to and that's why I think a lot of people confuse about it because, unlike before we, when we were in the dating world, it was more of a you know, we would see somebody. You talk to them, you smell them, you kind of visualize them. Now it's swipe left, it's swipe right.

T: 7:26

Well, that's the weird part, because it's like you have this whole like scanning process, man, right, when you kind of like that's your first version of vetting somebody and you still can't quite get it quite, you can't still quite figure it out. People who stay single, just, you know, we just staying single and it's like for why? No, it's always going up again.

M: 7:50

It's just like, oh, we're just friends, we just keep going what the fuck? But more than that it's like you're not dating people.

T: 8:00

You're sexually involved with people, right, you're in your situations, right? So that's the first thing that's like let's clarify that. This is not dating, right, these are situations, and now you're dating somebody where they're not. I don't want to be this type of person and I pressed over you. Oh, like, it's weird. It's weird. They're accessing your body and they not even press to answer your phone when you call. Oh, they don't come check up on you unless you pick up the phone and call first. They don't put gas in your car because they don't got it, you know, for whatever reason, which is weird.

T: 8:39

And this hell that you, you know you're real loud hanging out with somebody who's like financially all over the place Bizarre. They're not even pressed over you and they're not financially. Like, okay, leave them alone. It's okay to leave certain people alone and, to real life, have a conversation about you. Know why I have to leave you alone, like right here, right now, and not just for the male or the or the female.

T: 9:01

It goes, you know, in both directions. Like the male might have to leave the female alone, like if every time he turns around. Like you need $2,000 a month, every month, for your rent, like my dear, what were you doing before you met me? Type of thing, right, yeah, especially if the man cannot afford that type of lifestyle, like perhaps he can afford all the bills if he lives there.

T: 9:24

But if you know genuinely like that you're putting yourself in a certain type of situation by helping her afford her lifestyle, then you, it's nothing wrong with saying you know, hey, we're not really in a situation where I feel like you know, I should be supporting your lifestyle on this, you know, type of a level I don't really want to continue to pursue you. You know, right, you know, right now, like you got a little bit of growing to do, a little bit of figuring out to do, I would like somebody who's a little more financially like sound or like responsible or like something else. It's not the same thing for the woman, right? The guy can't do what you need, right? It can't kind of ask for the occasion that you expecting them to do, like emotionally, he's not present.

M: 10:13

Absolutely.

T: 10:14

I just told you I need the man to be pressed. That means emotionally. He present yes.

T: 10:22

Yeah, you can do that. I would want to let you know, hey, fam. Thanks, sir, I can't do you because you're not emotionally present. Now, let you do a little self-work and perhaps you get there. Then we can pursue each other again. But for that reason I have to, you know, toss you the deuces and you have to be okay with tossing them out and I don't say real quick, but quick enough before you lay down with somebody. That's dumb.

M: 10:52

I think the same thing to you, because here's the thing can you communicate? Can you talk? Can you fucking talk to them before you start making decisions or paying her bills, or you paying your bills, before you get into that mixing of money and body fluids and all the other shit? Can we sit there and talk? Because we're going to have the effect ratio stage? We're going to be the cutesy cutesy. You know, I like her, she smell good, he look good. Okay, once you get over that, we're we're moving. There has to be steps to this shit. It can't be just we're gonna mill a handful step number one until when this have a constant.

T: 11:28

You can't date women as men. You can't date women with the idea that the date equal sex. Right, I took, I took her on three dates and so we should be having sex now. No, because you took me on three dates and the chemistry still feel like you know you're not into me but you still want to lay down with me. Like it's weird, like yeah, no, you want to schedule a date but you're not emotionally available to me. Right, I call you, you know, five times. Then you call me back like later, like you're not available, and it's nothing wrong with not being available, but it's something wrong with you not being available and trying to pursue me because I'm available to you.

T: 12:08

I would have that same expectation, absolutely. You know, we're just adults and it was nice to have known you, or it was nice to try, you know, as we tried to get to know each other. But let's call the space a space, you know let's. Let's carry on, because men don't like being used and neither do women, and so don't keep trying to take me out to date, because I'm not trying to eat. You know your little free steaks and you're not gonna try and get my cheeks, for you know steak dinner. So let's stop that stop playing.

M: 12:38

Let's see what the thing is. As a guy, you know it is, you will have. Our hormones are Russian. You know our hormones are always fine. You're looking good.

T: 12:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll spread that Coco Chanel on. Did that all that? I did it, just for you to end up pursuing. Did it did that. Yeah, those are those hormones that we rage and doing all those things Like everything wafting through those doors coming in. So a bag of money, that's what if you smell like let me miss.

M: 13:26

And we got. Everything is just all tight and holding on, barely holding on. That's in our head and we just like it's like a kid, the cancer. I got taste a little bit that candy, but we also understand that we just, we just give us the candy. We have to work for the candy. So it kind of kind of our view on the relationship at that point is just kind of with to be mature enough to say, okay, let's put our hormones and check, let's just put that back in the box and let's look at her for who she is, because again, there's a lot of guys who look at a lot of fine women and look at the extent. I called it the children horse.

M: 14:05

When the outside, bagging, smoking, kicking. When you finally get by all that, you finally get them and you realize what's inside. Oh, you're like what the hell I do? I can't tell you guys like man, that girl's fine ship, she crazy, the motherfucker. Did you know that? Nobody likes it, nobody. Every time you see her, she fighting or cussing somebody out, you're like what the fuck? So you're confused. He like outside, which again we go back to growing up. The outside does not dictate what the inside is.

T: 14:41

Absolutely.

M: 14:42

You know it was a show called, a movie called I forgot the name of it, but it was this guy hypnotized as one guy to look at this chick who's a heavy set lady.

T: 14:51

Hello.

M: 14:58

And he looked at her. He was oh, she's beautiful as I was smoking, she was a box, yeah, and he just like, yes, I love her.

M: 15:08

You know I wouldn't be with everybody. I was like, oh my God, what are you talking about? Because he saw her internal, who she was, and a lot of people. You know we don't, we can't be hypnotized to see somebody's in this size. But you at least got to say let me, let me put that home on shit on the side for a little bit. If I really want to get to know her outside the banging body. Is she intelligent? Is she trying to do something in her life? If she's the type that just in here to see me pay for what you see, you don't want that. Nobody wants that advice. First, if you said our guy is like he look good but he got nothing else going on, you don't want that because in the end you're going to put all the fucking bill, you're going to put all the heartache because you're going to want to go invest in them.

T: 15:48

Nice looking man on your arm. He's so cute.

M: 15:53

Put your back account.

T: 15:56

Looking good at all and your feelings going to be heard. For whatever thing that you know you knew was missing and you still signed up for it, it's going to hit you eventually. Yep, I think like a damn bricks. Everybody talk about the stuff that hit you at 40, but it do because I'm 38, so I'm looking at it like damn it's going.

M: 16:37

I'm looking at it like damn it's going. You're going to look at 40. Oh, okay, what's going on? Because why, you knew who your forever man was early. You're with your forever man, so you didn't go out there and kept throwing your who? How?

T: 16:53

on the table and keep it wrong. That's the I don't want to be like. That's the part that saves you, you know, if you're married. But it makes it so that you are in a situation where you are very much so well, you should be very much so protected, right, absolutely, not just giving yourself up to anybody. And you know some people you know will debate, you know promise duty and you know college if you should or shouldn't, but some people think that's the right to, some people think that's okay. And you know, if you married young, young that none of that is like normalized anymore, right, only thing that's normal is you know, you, the idea of you being married and then you handling your business from there and enjoying life like regularly. But all this you know everybody's looking for like this perfect companion. And then you know people wake up at 40 and you find yourself, you know what's.

T: 17:53

Even if you did get married early, right, let's say you got divorced and let's say you know something didn't go right.

T: 17:59

Most people find themselves back with, like a high school you know person that they pass in the hallways, or high school sweetheart, or you know the girl next door, you know your old neighbor from around the way.

T: 18:09

You literally end up going back and finding you know mates to pursue who you knew from way back, all of it right, it's pretty far plus years right, and it's like To me that kind of shows that you're the mates that you post to kind of have settled down with.

T: 18:30

You probably would have met them before the age of 21,. But you kind of fumbled and you did too much, right. Either you didn't pay them enough mind or you didn't allow yourself to grow and blossom with them, because technically, our little society that we live in it does kind of program us to feel like we have to try out you know so many people to make us, you know, find like the best candidate right, the sharpest knife in the world, so to speak, right as a woman, you know you want a certain type of man, and it's not to say you know necessarily that whole idea of that alpha man or that high level man that you know kind of looming around social media right now, but you do want a certain type of man who is able to, you know, provide and protect for you on a certain type of level. That's true.

M: 19:19

Right, that's my term.

T: 19:22

And then for a woman, right, the man's going to want, you know, a certain type of woman who looks a certain type of way, who moves a certain type of way and is going to bring certain things to this table. And so we're kind of programmed to think that you got to go out and look right, search for right, like the guy who was in sixth grade science class, right, that guy when he grows up, he, he's not good enough, right? Because you know we know too much about him. We remember that one time when he was clumsy in class and you know he fell on his face, and now he's the class clown for life in your eyes, right?

M: 20:00

Absolutely.

T: 20:00

You guys can grow up and he's going to be the man with the master plan and he's going to wipe some random stranger and she's going to, you know, be very comfortable with the life that he's able to provide for her right, or the while you overlook this guy.

T: 20:20

We're always overlooking. That's why the song goes you know the girl next door, right, because we're always overlooking. You know the people who are right there in front of us, because you think that the person from the next city over or the next town over or the next state over or the next country over, you know she got it more going on, she's more exotic looking. You know she got bigger. Tautas or belly is more snatch. You know that booty is bigger. Oh, that shit going right now. Heaven, boobs, I'm going to get the second stomach tight. That shit going to get the flapping like everything's going to run out. Only thing that's not going to run out is which genuine you know between me and you, right the chemistry, the friendship, right the throwback movies that we saw when we was growing up. Right, like you need to be relatable to each other.

M: 21:09

This is so true T, because you know I have a few comments come to our channel and a lot of guys said they're in their 30s and 40s and pretty much not our tennis. This. When I was in school I was a nerdy guy, I was a bookworm, you know, wasn't popular, wasn't doing all this. And the nice girls you know the girls who were popular, they always wanted the bad boys. They always wanted Mr Reed, mr Botto, go Jail tomorrow, type dude. And you know messing with them, dating them, having babies by them. And I'm a nerd, I go to school, I get my degrees, I get a great job. You know, I'm taking care of myself now and I don't see them for a while.

M: 21:54

He said, one guy said I'm 43 and I saw a chick I had a crush on in high school and I was a nerd, I was in the band, you know chubby, and all that. He said well, now I'm 62, you know, I'm make, he's out, make seven figures now. And I saw her and she was the same chick, you know, I'm in high school, she little, little thicker. And now all of a sudden she's like I don't remember you, he's in, he's I'm, she's still in, remember. She said. He said, well, I was to be the guy and she's a chubby guy played in the band and she's like such as us. Yeah, that's me. Oh my God, if I had known that you were going to be like this. And he said no, he's right now. He said it wasn't even a rubber, rubber her facing the kind of thing. It was kind of like thank you. He said you know, I put that work in, but you didn't want me, you want the bad guy. The guy's going to get you in trouble and all that other bullshit. And where's he at now? Probably dead in jail, got a rack of kids.

M: 22:56

But here I am right now thinking I was the oddball and that I didn't deserve you. He said I didn't deserve you. I didn't. I didn't deserve that kind of mess in my life because you were going to cause me to have a messy life. And I was like God damn, it's like I. Just. He said I like how y'all talk about you know people taking ownership of the thing, and then don't look back and think, oh, this could have made some. No, it wasn't meant to be. He was not meant to be with her. And I was like damn good. He said keep pushing.

T: 23:27

I didn't edit my laugh out of that because I did too much just then.

M: 23:37

I'm like God damn. But again, a lot of guys said that. A lot of guys I may not be in that guy in high school who didn't like the guy on the football team. I may be in that guy walking around you know didn't really uncomfortable who I was and who I was going to be. Didn't know who the hell knows who they're going to be in high school for the most part.

M: 23:56

So he's by God myself together and now I'm this guy. And now to go back and see the women who I really like and see how their lives really didn't turn out as well as they thought and how their lives the nerd or the bad, the guy who wasn't that good turned out to be this upstanding member of society. It's like I was one of the guys. No, just hanging there and working yourself. Y'all keep putting that stuff out there. Man, I love y'all. I had to join. I said I appreciate it. I'm going to drop that in on.

T: 24:29

Damn man, that's number one. Okay, I'm going to just be the type of person because I am. Okay, stop raising your sons as damn nerds. Okay, we black people, for a reason like swag on. Okay, your son can be a scholar, can be like good at sports or good at instruments or good at singing or whatever it is with the swag on, okay, yes, stop it. I'm going to stop it Because it is confusing our daughters, because that looks ridiculous.

T: 25:00

I have to recall, you know Simon from sixth grade, with his pants all the way, like he don't like have a clue. That like, sir, take your damn shirt up out of your pants. Like that. Like, why are you saying you are high waters on? And they didn't say what has nerd, they need a smart, they just the nerd cause they pants was high waters. No, ma'am, I'm going to take good of our sons. And, yes, a little swag on. See, swag on starts in like pre-k. You know what I'm saying. Like, no, what do you want? What do you want? No again. No, ma'am, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm the raised mom's official. I had to raise them and if anybody tried to say that I'm getting a little high, they like you must. I'm not going to brag on my, I'm not going to brag on my son. I did, I did, I did mine properly, right. And then you say I wasn't checking on him. You know what I'm saying. He got the whole complete package. I'm sorry, I did that. I did it, do I? You know what?

M: 26:08

And you write America. She makes sure the dumb kids are swagged out. There's no question about that, and someone got to be smart.

T: 26:18

Make sure that they spiritually sound, make sure that they mentally, you know, up to date. Make sure that they on great level, make sure that they, you know, got a proper plan after high school, right, like more than just swag on right, just making sure that they're well rounded so you're not just into books only because the books will come alive. Now, right, my son is a soccer, right. First few years of elementary school. All of his science experiments they were physics and they all involve soccer.

M: 26:51

No.

T: 26:53

Why not that's his thing, that's smart.

M: 26:56

Yeah.

T: 26:58

I mean, because that's his thing. I make the books come alive. So now we're reading about, you know, soccer players. Now we're, you know, learning about how the ball rolling over grass versus rolling over you know, clean surface. You know, oh wow. Because if you saying that your kid is just a nerd, they only sitting in books and then in library like that's good and I'm not coming for nobody who enjoys reading, because we enjoy reading as well. You know we have several bookcases in our homes. Son said to me well, we got all these books. You ain't even read all these books, son, yeah, I did. I am that old, like, yeah, I am that old, I read all those books.

T: 27:34

Son. That's why I'm taking none of the show. I read them all, so we do believe in reading, but just being focused on just one thing only, that's not a well rounded person. You know, I kind of do like I feel what old boy saying y'all ain't want me back then, but now you want me now, yeah, we do because you got your shit together. Because back, no, no, no, absolutely not, nobody could have once. You like that? Because I recall some of the fellas. They did they, I mean, and I knew they was going to be able to come through. Right, I knew I caught it. I knew I caught some of the other people because I don't need them, clearly, right. Other people like the singles right, they might need them, and I told them way back. I said, listen, nah, he could, he gonna be a good husband. They didn't want to believe me, right, because I could see him. I could see him, but I would have more so appreciated, right, if some of them were a little, because sometimes the nerves are not as culturally aware.

M: 28:40

Absolutely.

T: 28:43

And like, as far as like, just a little more swag on, like, just just like, just being like what you only read in one type of genre, what's going on there? Because that like that too adds on to you know the like, the idea of how not to say nerd or non-nerd is moving, but you're going to compare them to the bad boys, right? Just because you look a certain part, that doesn't mean you a bad boy Right, absolutely. You know, back in my day, you know they had the corn rolls, or you know they had the baguette.

T: 29:18

But some of them got those grades right and they were scholars right, they was on honor roll and they were on places and they arrived to those places because, like I said, we're 40. So there's no potential now. That's what happened. So, you know what I'm saying. So those those people, they happened by 40. So we see, we see them now and they did exactly what they were supposed to do.

M: 29:46

And he won't make this clear. Ladies, if, by 40, that dude says to you, I'm still trying to find myself, his ass is lost.

T: 29:56

No, because he should he be on seconds number two, career number two. That's what it is about. 40 Like. Yeah, I'm trying to. I'm trying to pursue a whole another line. That's. That means you got the first retirement like line that you already retired from something. That's why you try to pursue something else, because you, like, I'm over it. You know I did just for the first 20, 25 years of my life. You know I'm trying to pursue something else because you know I'm just kind of burnt out there. You got the money to fuel it funded, do you?

M: 30:27

Absolutely, but it's again. But women have to step back and look at what it was saying.

M: 30:34

Not what he's saying, but what you're not hearing and say the women you know, you see a chick, you know the woman, 40 years old, you know she may have a kid or two. And you like, well, how's she? Why she ain't got nobody? Or 40 and I'm having the kids. You say, well, why you ain't got no kids? Why ain't got nobody? So it's. You have to kind of see what that is. It could be a multitude of things, but you got to ask. You can't just sit there and assume you don't think.

T: 30:59

Let's explore a woman who got two kids and don't have nobody. I don't want to come for that. I'm not coming for anybody because it's it's it'd be crazy on both sides, right, and we've seen them in all different situations.

T: 31:14

Absolutely but as a man who comes into a woman's life, who has two kids right, you have to admit, this woman probably doesn't know much, right, mm-hmm. And then you sat up in her life and you were now also willing to teach her anything. But you wanted her as well, hey. But what did you want her for?

T: 31:35

Yeah, I just have a good good go with her again Some of the babies in them all over again and then try to claim that it's her fault, like whatever happened. It's all her fault. Or she be luncheon or she be tripping, or she be doing this and not be doing that, but she don't take care of her kids, or she disrespectful, she's all of those things. But see, you knew those things before you even signed up for the play. You came into a situation that you knew was not proper, was toxic and was in need of aid and help. You come into lay down with a woman who got two kids. That means you that aid and help, whether it be appropriate or not appropriate, that's what you coming in to sign up for.

T: 32:16

That is so true, yeah true, and then you leave a kid behind. What? No, I don't get your kids now, all three of them. How about that? Oh, no more. The world was like that, right. That's how I'm just like what.

M: 32:35

What. And the guy should think you know, if you, if you still woman 40, we use 40 and she has kids, you should know that somehow you're just coming to pick up pieces, because at that point that's too, if it's the same to it could be, you know, husband, boyfriend, whatever but it's two kids by two different people. That means that it did work out there. So now she's looking for somebody to love her for who she is and what she has, and a lot of guys who go for it, but I know a whole lot of other guys that would go hell. No, especially if they don't have any kids.

T: 33:12

Actually they're not actually supposed to love her for who she is and what she has? Right, you're actually supposed to elevate her To where she needs to be and to see if she can rise to that occasion. That's part of the vetting process. I had a cousin who was pretty much in the same situation, decided to leave her guy, wanted to get with another guy and you know she came from a situation that was financially you know, okay, right, okay. But this guy was a little more financially stable, right, and you know she moved out on her own financial. Now she's independent, right, and when I say independent I mean Independent of the funds from the X, right, and so now you have to maintain your own household, pay your rent, pay it on time, type of things, rent that rent comes to do. She showed a couple hundred dollars and he's like, okay, well, what you gonna do? Like she knows for a fact that this guy can provide, right, he can just send her over the money and he's. He's asking her literally like what you gonna do when he normally spoils her before now, right, and actually she picks up the phone, she calls who else you gonna call, right? She calls up me. My hello, how you doing, girl, what's going on? She's like tomorrow, let me tell you what was going on, right? Oh, she explains the situation that such and she's like so what's going on here? To why he's just not pace, basically Volunteering to pick up, you know, the extra couple hundred dollars like we talked about earlier. Right, that, that that 20% right. She got the 80 right, mm-hmm, 20% right, because that's what we've been doing.

T: 34:51

I said, oh boo, pull that money up out your ass because oh boy is betting you Right now and he wants to make sure that once he puts his money into your ass, that you're not gonna fuck it up. Okay, test it now. You can play around and be petty if you want. Talk about some. You don't got this little 300. Anybody who came up with the bulk of it you know you got the rest of it says Like, and if you don't, you got calls, somebody asked for it and don't ask me cuz we on the phone like, don't be tacky.

T: 35:32

But basically that was really what was going on that a man who really was a little bit more financially stable and just a little higher, you know, economic level than she was. He just it's a basically see, not like, okay, do you make as much money as me and, you know, can you kind of play in the same. You know playing field as I'm playing in. But, baby girl, are you going to be financially stable? Are you going to be financially sound? Are you gonna sign up for things that you know that you can't afford? You like, seriously, can you really afford this and are you gonna sign? Or are you going to over extend us, because it never matters how much money you got coming in?

T: 36:15

Nope only ever matters is how much money is leaving out. If you got Well grand coming in every month and you spend it 11,500. Yes they look like heaven's car shoes. Whatever, you gonna be poor though at the end of the day, because you spent way more money Then you need to be. It's not enough left at the end of the month. Oh, for a man to vet a woman. Awful woman to be vetting a man to make them better, cuz I didn't mention this far she had two children, oh.

T: 36:56

We did, didn't mention that mention that part, right, cuz that's how we are right, that's how we just like, leave shit out. I am, I gotta claim who I am. I just left that part out, but she does. She did at the moment had two kids and to me I'm just like, oh nah, this guy he's serious and and to me he was worth it. Like you'll add sup and start proving your wealth and your your worth, natural wealth. Prove your worth also because, as women oh no, baby we gonna make sure. Well, most women, you, a woman of you, know I'm calling a high value woman.

M: 37:32

Yes, yes.

T: 37:35

And it's going to make certain that you are worth her time, energy and all that Absolutely, or you don't value yourself. Think about W I. So I need a high value man. Are you a high value woman? No, and it's not. So you're not a boss bitch at your job talking about some. That's a high value woman, right? We not valued the same way, so you gotta keep, we gotta keep that part. That's the top of the mental space. We're not value the same way. Your six figures, it's. You know. That makes you great. Six figures for me, that just makes me. You know, I'm still just mom.

T: 38:15

Yeah you know my, my son. The one day he told me, mind, you just do hairs all day, hairs with an ass. I said, yes, yeah, I just do hairs all day. Like I barely even have a job, I'm just the mom. It doesn't matter what you're doing in life, doesn't matter how many businesses you have, doesn't matter how much money you're making. At the beginning and end of the day, I'm mom and wife.

M: 38:42

Yeah.

T: 38:44

You could have got all the accolades, all the degrees, all the successes, and the biggest honor truly is just to be, you know, somebody's wife or somebody's mom or somebody's you know, soulmate or a forever partner, right, everything else that doesn't even count for anything, because as soon as your man go down, guess who the first one coming out of work? Me.

M: 39:18

That's true, that is so true. And that's the problem with this world of days Everybody wraps. Try to wrap their worth in what they do. If you have to wrap, if you talk to someone and you ask them about themselves, they talk about the degrees they got, the jobs they got, the money they got. That means nothing to me, because all it takes is something unfortunate to happen to you for all that then. So if you, your job goes, your money goes, your title goes, then what? What are you? Yeah, I think a lot of people don't look at that.

T: 39:48

Yeah, so for a woman, like those titles, those jobs, all of that is, you know, like the attributing things to the conversations that you can hold and have and how, so, you know, can you kind of nurture and take care of? You know your household and engage your husband and conversations, engage you know his significant, his friends and, um, co-workers, and you know necessary conversations, like that's just a journey. You know, teaching your children, you know what to do and kind of navigating them through college, like those experiences are literally just for the. It's literally.

T: 40:22

And some women don't, you know, perhaps we're not comfortable with the idea of, you know, going to college just for the journey sake, right, and coming out with the ring as opposed to just the degree, right, though I did that, you got you graduated with a ring too, right, um, but it is that whole concept like that makes sense. Because if I wasn't in college and no boy wasn't pressed for me, all up at the little dorm room checking for me, why just a de victoria secret about my best, smell good and make sure that these lessons pop, because I was just as pressed for him, right, as he was for me.

M: 41:00

Yes, yes so, but again, you knew who you were, and I think a lot of women and men don't know who they are. I hear all the time somebody. I need somebody to make me feel Worth, worthy or make a hole again a hole again and now. It's always a bothersome statement. Whenever I fucking hear that, I'm just like, okay, so you're missing a part, until this person finds you it doesn't bother me, because I get it, I totally get it.

T: 41:31

It's the fact that you just have to kind of undo that, because what ends up happening is I was whole, I was Giving my best life. As a matter of fact, I was. I wasn't even, I wasn't even worried about no men, I didn't even know men, right, I was just. Like me and my girlfriends, you know, we've been just out hanging out. We have been doing this our whole life, and then love had introduced herself to me, right.

T: 41:57

Ah and I didn't even know this thing called love right, and then I didn't know that this thing that I didn't know about could just then leave and make me feel like what was it? That was just here. That's not here anymore. And so to me, when people say I'm just trying to get hold back, I'm just like I get it. I get it, but you have to recall that time before that, love kind of took over you and for some women you got to go back to them. Teenage years, wow.

T: 42:40

For real, because love came into your life when you were very young, right, and it kind of filled a little piece of you. And then when love left right, you filled it with another little piece of love and maybe it wasn't the best love, but that love kind of filled that little spot. And then as you got older, people start talking about you got a heel, and so now you buy yourself a little bit long because you like, I'm trying to heal, but that healing still didn't just quite come. Because you like, which I told you, you just don't quite get it because you're talking about oh, he can't make you happy, but he makes me sad, Like for women it's such. You really have to sit there with that concept, right?

T: 43:21

You literally got to sit there with the concept and just let that thing marinate in your mental space and just recognize what's really happened and what's what you need to get back, because you literally do feel like, even though you didn't need this piece for so long, once you got it and then lost it, how do I feel it again? And you, you really don't need to feel it again and you really didn't lose it, but what you found was great and amazing. Right, what you did, you don't really lose anything. You don't really lose anything.

M: 43:59

Okay, now I'm going to go for my devil's advocate. There are women who never, ever in their lives felt love. There are women and men who never, ever felt love in their lives, whether it was the parents couldn't give them love, the mama couldn't give them love, whoever couldn't give them love. So they find themselves loved deprived.

T: 44:23

Are they looking to be completed? Are those the people who are claiming to look to be completed?

M: 44:28

Yes, there's a lot of people like that. There's a lot of people just know that. I know there's love out here. I know I see it. I see it in different forms, but I haven't never personally felt that.

M: 44:39

And if somebody comes into my life who basically sees or feels that spot that I've never felt before, there's almost a sense of oh my God, they are, they're what I'm looking for. They complete me. Yeah, it's really not to me, it's not really they complete you. You are so deprived of love that someone who showed you an ounce of love or caring, you took that as genuine love. And, oh my God, they're going to love me to the day I die because you were so deprived. It's like a man in the desert, you know, if he's walking into the desert and he's looking for water, looking for water, and all of a sudden he see a water body as wide as a quarter and as deep as a quarter. To him that's like jumping into a, just like drinking a huge thing of clear, clean water.

T: 45:28

Wow, because he's like oh my God, it's the best water I've ever had. That point, that's what you're saying. He'll leave me subtle for the thought.

M: 45:38

That's why because, again, what you say is true, but what I also say is also true and then just searching for something to love, something to love them, because no one ever showed them love, no one ever really showed them general love or they cared about them. Yeah, you put food on the table, roof of the head, but, for example, I know people who told me their parents never once in their life told them they loved them that one time. That's the entire life. And I asked them, I said did they never say this? Or no, never, never said they loved me.

T: 46:19

Do they tell them they love them, Like do they tell their parents now that they love them?

M: 46:25

They do and they say the parents feel awkward, they feel like it's foreign to them and I just told them you know what that means, that they are just carrying on the chain. I caught the curse that's passed to them.

T: 46:43

Who doesn't like making their parents feel awkward? I never. That's also true.

M: 46:51

You do want to show weird. You do Every day. Hey, mom, love you, good morning. Yeah, let's get awkward. I mean, yeah, so you got those people out here searching for somebody to just love them, just show me some love, and this, while a lot of women and men, you know, go in and out of relationships that we can look and say why the fuck?

M: 47:13

do you mess with that person. That person don't love you, but they just don't have a footing, a firm foundation of love, so they're searching for anybody. That's why you look at, you know women who you like. God damn, I'm trying to turn around you with somebody new. They're all the same, god damn different, look different, dude, but they're always the same problem. Same kind of guy. He does the same kind of problem. She's like is it him or is it me? No, it's you.

T: 47:39

It's you it's you, it's really him, but you keep bringing the same hymns around.

M: 47:46

Different faces, but the same energy you bring around. So at that point it's not the person that's going to make you happy, it's you, and you have to do the work necessary to make sure that you start to write that wrong, because it's not a good look to see women in their 30s and 40s and 50s and even 60s who are like I'm still trying to find somebody to just love me. I don't know why I need to do to find them to love me, who I am, you know. I asked one particular person who are you?

T: 48:17

So, outside of the, who are you using to do you love me and all that good stuff? One thing that's been kind of trending on social media lately is the idea of, like, truly pursuing and enjoying your mate as a friend. And I think, in that pursuit, as we build a friendship, as opposed to like, I love romance, right, I'm a Pisces in nature, like no, we need a little romance in our life, I'm sorry. We love it, we need it. Some people need romance, but not just romance, right, a genuine friendship that is built right, respect, loyalty. Right, you will expose who you really are because you're secure enough to do so. Because you're now with a friend, right, yes, not with an opportunist anymore. Right. Because some guys and some women, right, they're dating for an opportunity, right.

M: 49:17

Absolutely.

T: 49:18

If you're dating, genuinely engage in a friendship with someone, to truly be friends and to build a solid foundation with someone right. Where can you go wrong there? Because romance definitely we need the romance there. I think by default we can all agree that we have the romance thing down.

M: 49:41

Oh, absolutely, that is never part of it. Romance is never going to be the issue, but it's the journey. It's the journey, and people think this is not a rabid race. This is a turtle race and again, you're going to have ups and downs, but you have to, like you said, you have to have some sort of friendship. It can't be like she look good, he look good and all that shit. That's fine, danny, but as time goes on, things change, people change, attitudes change. So you have to be in communication and actually like each other in order to continue this journey, because if you don't like each other, you don't respect each other.

T: 50:18

You don't respect certain parts of how you move and maneuver, right Like that's going to be a deal breaker, right. Certain people complain about you. Know she don't respect or they cannot necessarily verbalize. You know she don't respect. But internally that's what it is right. If you, a man, and you inside of a household and you can't really discipline the children that lives inside the household because they're not your kids.

T: 50:46

She doesn't respect your leadership inside the household. Now most men are going to report that back as nah. You can't say true that. But in turn, what that ultimately is saying is that she does not respect your leadership.

M: 51:04

Yeah, that's it, that's right.

T: 51:07

So when you're not able to respect people and you cannot respect each other, like I Don't respect how you go and move about, I don't respect your ways to discipline, I don't respect the very idea that you think that you should be disciplining you know and a children in a house, which is weird that another adult is okay With children not being disciplined by any adult inside of you know, inside of a home, anyone who was welcome Inside of your home who's an adult should be able to not say like Do a lot as far as this a plane, but saying something to like you know, you need to stop, that it's time to go to bed, type of thing.

T: 51:45

I'm gonna tell you know your mother or no, you're gonna be in trouble. You know the punishment is a, b and C or X, y and Z like, to a certain extent, all Adults do a level of disciplining inside of a space where there's any children present it you have to, because you ought to decide to considering adults, decide to come together as a unit.

M: 52:06

A Either one of both have kids. You should know that, hey, if we're together, your kids are my kids, my kids are your kids, because I know, I know you, that you're not gonna do nothing to hurt my kids and I'm dancing. I'm gonna do them to hurt your kids because we have that understanding, we talk, we know parenting styles and parenting, you know how we look at parenting. So if you say don't talk to my kid, oh yeah, then then, or let's move in, but don't talk to my kids. Oh.

T: 52:33

You have to understand and you, you would also have to break this down. And this is a teacher moment between you and the young lady, especially if y'all really like each other, like my dear, by you asking me to move in. But I'm not allowed to discipline, you know, your children. You know that's a form of disrespect for my leadership right. I cannot protect, you know, you, andrew's son, if he does not respect me and the commands that I am, we, you know supposed to be given him. If he doesn't trust me to, you know, do as I say, we can run into serious problems further down the road.

T: 53:12

Oh well, if I give a direct command to him, you know he feels like. Then he Because the respect has been gone, it would never ever showed up because you scared about, you know, your kid going back to their biological, you know, father and saying, well, he told me, you know I need to clean up my room. Yeah, asshole, any goddamn adult that come inside this house and see how dirty your damn room is is going to tell you you need to clean up this room. It's nasty.

M: 53:53

That's true, though, and then you can't in this other thing when you have kids. You can't have your kids play those games and Stop bringing a whole lot of goddamn people in your house. See that that goes back to. If you can see every fucking day to see a different, do walk through the door, and At that point, why would respect him?

T: 54:16

he gonna be no longer the last you do yeah, yeah, but that's the whole idea of like you, you not vetting people, right? You're not that in people you don't have a village, right, and where's the father's presence at? Because the father who was present, right, whether he has a village to add to the situational equation, he should at least be able to remove the child out of the house so that at least every other weekend, as a bare minimum, right, two days of two days every other week as a bare minimum, so that this woman can maintain and have some bit of a love life. Right, because everybody you know wants to be social and get out there. Right, speaking, the women who you see that are kind of like a little more lenient With dating like that little reckless, like that they fool Thomas.

T: 55:03

Yeah it's hard like I could never imagine even being like a married individual. Keep them like his, these jokes off the semi-grandma vows they hear like 31 days out of the month. No, not even a own biological mother and father do, I realize, want to be dealing with these kids ever, really, with these kids every day of the week. That's not very. I did. I'm trying to date, I'm trying to, you know, talk dirty to old boy on the phone, do that? Them damn kids running around all over my background, fucking mind in my business Is all out, you all living my conversation, hearing me and shit, like no, I can't do all those things. So when that village show up, though, the woman is able to date a little more responsibly. So when we talk about, yeah, the woman dating air responsibly, generally speaking, the mate that she has chosen, because you definitely choose your mate, like we said before, because there is a vetting process, and whether or not you choose to vet your person, you know, right or wrong, it's up to you, right?

M: 56:14

Yeah.

T: 56:15

That's what's gonna show up for you, that's. That's the person who's supposed to be there, you know, to give that relief because clearly the father, who's not present, he has all the Lee way to go out and date appropriately without the children seeing. You know the multiple women.

M: 56:34

Because we see it all the time and, and the problem is, we also see the results of that too. See when, when you start dating and the kids and the kids are feeling like you know what, did nobody get the shit, but dad don't care, my mom don't care. Then they have them streets with other kids who have the same situation. So then you have a gang you got, is it the round?

T: 56:53

Like they got those situations going. They start convincing themselves that they in a household with no mother and no father and nobody pays them no Mind. And so they start hanging out with kids who realize don't have a mother and father and start telling them oh no, you know, I don't have a mom. Oh, I don't have my dad. Don't give a shit about me, boy. Your father makes six figures. He gives all the fucks about you. He doesn't. I mean, he is caught up in love for the moment, right, but you out there, selling, selling the streets a whole lie and you're losing your kid because of love and romance, because you know you're significant other. You know you're new.

M: 57:28

You're new for ever, me and and then, as you, as you said to they doing they were their love lives. But now the kids out in the street and the kids out there doing some fuck shit like you know, going running in the stores and stealing shit, you know, from stores and doing carjackings and all the other crazy shit these kids out here doing and not going to school. And then people, people I heard somebody new say well, you know what it's, it's the schools. No, no, no, no. It starts at home. Because if you, if your parent, whoever's raising you, has control or dictate what you can and can't do, you're not out there running the streets, breaking the stores and stealing shit and coming home.

M: 58:09

First of all, I like to thought, if I stole some shit bought at home and they didn't buy it when I was growing up, who, I wouldn't be here talking to you. They would have killed me. The first four. I ain't teach you how to fucking steal and you're going to steal some shit because why I'm gonna steal? Because who? And then, when I just stole some shit, that would be the last thing I got out of my mouth for this shopping.

T: 58:30

I mean parents, kids. Again, things pass parents Um. The more parents show up to the workplace, the more things kids can be able to get past them. And that's the other problem. Like to me, the school systems are a problem, the two income households are a problem, Like it's a lot of things that we can label as being the problem, but ultimately we can also label a solution, as, like you said, you know keeping a solid control over your kids and Implementing. You know plenty and enough time to spend with your kids and paying your kids a lie. Yeah, you still still got to clean the kids rooms, and when I say clean, I mean go through them. You know I go through their room, like I just a little scan. You know if your kid has a car.

T: 59:16

You, you got to, you know, every other week. You know, you just got Grab the keys and just you know, maybe just a little Toss them through the car because, like what are you trusting them that much? That's foolish. No, no, no.

M: 59:36

No, no, no.

T: 59:40

No, no, no, no, no, no, no no.

M: 59:52

No, you can't be cooking in the 17th. You could better wash your ass. You got to tell me, did you wash your hands today? Oh, I've got.

T: 1:00:01

And I think don't wash their ass, or they always in the shower. That's how. Fuck out of the shower. What are you doing in there? You need to pay some of this water bill. Yeah, you're gonna have all the water, no Hell no.

T: 1:00:16

I don't trust none of this shit. Because your job is to lie to me at that age. Right, because you also Do some shit that I already told you you ain't doing. I told you go to the right, you know? Oh, I'm trying to go to the left for what? I just told you not to go do that dumb ass shit and you said you're gonna do it, just because I told you not to do that Shit. No, back up on these guys, especially the ones who sweat up and down, you know, are they doing everything? Right them? Goddamn athletes, some straight-A students like I told you I didn't. My joint All the way on par right. My son is on point, whole complete package. I don't trust his ass. And oh, you know, you promise to hide behind good grades. No, let me see what's up in this car. There you go. What are you doing? Because I need to be up in your business. I don't like no surprises.

M: 1:01:07

No, we don't want to surprise. And parenting is is hard. Nobody said this is easy. It's never gonna be easy. It's getting harder now because you have technology. So that's the only difference. Now is a little harder because you try a little more.

T: 1:01:22

We'll be more sneakier, you don't? You don't want to go through your kid's phone. That's the other weird part why you don't want to go. First of all, happy, I don't even have a life. That's number one. Okay, you don't even have a damn life. Okay, no, let me see what the kid's doing up in this building. So I'm gonna put that phone scene with the hell y'all talking about yes, because I'm nosy is all get out. Yeah, no, I care. Okay, again, it's my phone. We just keep it in your room. Yeah, stop playing with me.

M: 1:02:01

That's. That's. That is the most important thing you know. That I have to say is you, as a mother, you are on top of them like stinking on shit, but you also give them the freedom to think and do what they do, because they have to learn in in the world. We're not gonna be here behind you forever. We're not gonna be behind you and follow behind when you make a, you drop something, pick it up. No, because At some point you can be out in this world by yourself. Yeah, and you need to carry yourself accordingly. And that, that you know, also goes back to this whole discussion about love hurts. It does hurt, it hurts everybody and, again, it's supposed to hurt what I said and we break up now.

T: 1:02:48

I mean I, I want to see you hurry, yeah, because I know that I'm hurt, because I'm supposed to hurt. And it's not to be like oh you super toxic, because you want to see the man hurt. No, because I walk around for something like shit, don't hurt. And then I'm sitting back looking crazy because I got bags Up underneath my eyes. No love's supposed to hurt. It hurt you and it hurt me.

M: 1:03:09

Yes, it does.

T: 1:03:11

Oh.

M: 1:03:19

All right people, I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say this Love hurts. Put just a learn from love, because love will leaves you scarred up and understand this fact. You survived it because if it killed you, then that people don't scar. So use those scars, learn from those scars and pass on the knowledge you learn from those scars to other people so you can at least learn it. And if they don't use it, can't, they can't say nobody told you. So you know T what you want to say in this, this discussion.

T: 1:03:52

Listen. I heard this song by us, right and um, he was talking about Him and old girl. Not good, but they good, good, right.

T: 1:04:03

And it was a breakup song and he basically was talking about how to love between them. It was amazing, right, mm-hmm, but you just wasn't my forever person. So me and you, we not good, but I wish you well and so therefore, we good, good, right? Okay? Okay, I'm not the other person, but I don't have to after I'm done seeing you hurt like I hurt, right? I technically do wish well on everybody who you know you've come in contact with, because you, you definitely don't know if you're gonna see those people on the second go round, right?

T: 1:04:37

It's always a little second. Go round, come right back around. You don't know who you want me to get right true.

T: 1:04:45

Do good things to people, split up and try to split up, and it doesn't have to be on good terms, because that would be weird, because if you're splitting up on Good terms, generally speaking, you just might not be splitting up, but you don't have to try to tear somebody down in order to carry on and move on to the next person. It's really okay to wish somebody well who hurt you. They don't did that now, hey, they don't have to break you down, okay, but they can. They can hurt you because love does hurt, but it's okay to carry on, to move on and to wish somebody well, as you both you know. Go on to pursue your forever mate in life. You're not gonna get nowhere by being bitter and just angry for a whole lifetime. No, no, you're gonna get stuck.

M: 1:05:37

Oh, damn, there's that wisdom. The the the wise lady. The wise lady has, she has and she always does. She is these podcasts with that wisdom there. But we're gonna get you a book. We're gonna write a book of your.

T: 1:05:51

Let's go with it.

M: 1:05:52

I'm gonna ask you. With that, ladies and gentlemen, we are coming to the end of on the mic with the m.

M: 1:05:59

Auntie listen, because we know what you guys do like Subscribe and hit the little bell so you know where the next episode is gonna come out. And again I want to thank all the new subscribers, I want to thank all the new followers, I want to thank of all the comments and thoughts and all that. But thank you, guys, we appreciate it, we really do, and we'll be back again for a new episode. Until then, peace and blessings.